Friday, 4 September 2015

Breathe deeply

This has been quite a week for me.

I don't like to mix my personal life and my professional life if it can be helped, but I really feel to understand everything one must really understand my personality.

I'm an over emotional sort of person, but not in the stereotypical over worried way. It's more the overly empathetic, feel all the feels, and truly care about everyone around me kind of way. With the Myers Briggs personality test I always come up as INFJ which is the rarest sort. Once I started reading about that label I started identifying strongly with it. I used to cry when an ambulance passed because I was concerned for the injured person and everyone who's life they play a role in.

After Itsa was born I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. After nearly three years of treatment it's suspected that depression has actually tainted my whole life and I just hid it really well. Looking back on diaries I've kept since I was ten was the biggest hint of that. So, now medicated, I function at a much shallower level than before. The slight apathy really helps me get through my day as I no longer strive to be the person everyone around me needs me to be.

All this to say that I quit my job.

I've been at this job seven and a half years. This week finally broke my optimism and I saw no option other than moving on. It doesn't feel as liberating as it did when I quit my last job. Maybe because I already had this one lined up and the new opportunity was exciting? I'm mostly sad that it's come to this, and I'll miss my coworkers terribly. I really like almost all of them.

But I'm also terrified. The media has latched onto the idea of a Canadian recession and I just quit a steady job. Neither Spart nor I have post secondary education so we're at a disadvantage for higher paying jobs and his alone doesn't cover the mortgage and food. We have two children and two cats to provide for!  It seems down right irresponsible to not have something lined up.

So I have to keep breathing deeply and reminding myself that I told Spart to trust me. I can't ask that of him if I don't trust myself. If worst comes to worst, Christmas is coming so I'll easily find something in retail to hold me over.

It'll all work out, just breathe.

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